Fragile

I held a newborn tonight.

Her soft, downy head tucked under my chin and it took all I had not to cry.

I didn't want to make it about me, when I was happy to hold this new baby, happy for the joy she is bringing to her family.

But it brought back that ache.

I had to tell someone the other day that I had a miscarriage. I didn't have to tell many people because of this blog and my mom making the phone calls for me. It was just something I couldn't face in the beginning.

He is one of my friends at Trader Joe's. I love them there. They know my kids. They know us. They know we were having our 4th baby. He asked me if this baby was treating me differently than the others. He felt so bad when I told him. it told him it was OK. We talk about it a lot with the kids. But it still hurt to say it.

I thought I was pregnant this month. I was exhausted. I gagged while brushing my teeth. I felt nauseous. My body doesn't play tricks on me. I was so excited to tell the boys. They have such a simple and solid faith in the fact their new baby is coming.

I'm not. And I'm sad.

Even though it would have been another surprise. Even though I don't feel ready for it yet. Even though I am still mourning the loss of this one. Even though a lot of things, I still felt sad.

The boys asked me yesterday, Mommy, when we get our new baby, is it going to die?" I told them I hoped not. I really, really hope not.

But we don't know.

Because life is fragile.

I guess that is the other thing I am struggling with. There are times I feel very fragile myself. Emotionally I mean. This is the first time in my life that I have dealt with this kind of thing and it is not fun. It is not easy. I have such high highs and the kids and I are all laughing and it is glorious. And then I will feel like ripping my hair out because it is taking them forever to get into the car. The intensity of my emotions startles me sometimes. I have such a greater understanding and sympathy now for those who deal with this often, daily even. And I think that God has used this to open up my heart a bit more to the pain of others. So that I can help them, maybe. Even if it is just by saying, "I know how you feel".

There is not a single thing I can do to change this. Death and sorrow, highs and lows are a part of this life. But I can choose to focus on the beauty of this fragile life, or the frailty of it.

I can find joy. I can stop and pray. I can take my lids for a hike, because being surrounded by His creation is one of the healing balms that ministers to me most.

I can cry, but I can laugh too.

It is ok to do both.

I'm learning this.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for letting me share my heart, both glad and sad.

Greta

Poppy Dreams --Part 2

I have to warn you, this is the mother load of pictures. When you go somewhere this beautiful, you can't help taking lots and lots of pictures.

When my alarm went off at 4:45, I immediately thought, "this is a lot of effort for some flowers," but I knew it would be worth it once we got there.

It was indeed.

As you drive down Avenue I through the flat, seemingly barren desert, you suddenly see this: orange hills.

And it just gets better and better. And you keep saying wow! James said, "I just didn't know they'd be so bright!"

As soon as we pulled over, the boys were out of the car and running.

They love to explore.

With each step the views were more amazing.

My sweet William stopped to pick me a bouquet.

Then he took off again.

Lilly liked them, too. She just wanted to sit down and pick handfuls.
"There are millions of poppies, but only one Lilly."

With thanks to Scott N for that one.
We just kept walking and I just kept taking pictures.

Finally though, it was getting warm, apparently there were "pokey things" in the flowers that were bothering James, and the kids were pretty fed up with picture taking.

Until I let them take some pictures that is.

This one is by Isaac.

By William
By James
By James
We said goodbye to our friends and fellow adventures. (thanks guys for giving us the get up and go to get out there!)

Then we got back in the car and went for an "exploring drive". It's one of the boys favorite things to do.

I could have stayed there for a long time.

It was worth the early morning wake up, the 2 hour drive, the gas, and all the other minor inconveniences of road trips with small children.

We'll be back.

Notes:

If you go,

Leave early, you'll miss traffic both ways. And you'll miss crowds in the fields.

Wear layers. It was cold to start with, but got warm fast.

Look ahead at the weather forecast. It can get VERY windy in the high desert. You'll enjoy a non--windy day more.

If your kid is sensitive to his legs being scratched by plants, or walking in long grass makes his skin itch, put him in pants.

You don't have to go to the actual poppy reserve area. We just pulled over on the side of the road at a picturesque spot. We drove by the reserve and the parking lot was full. No need to walk the trails with hundreds of others. Find your own spot.

People fly to Holland to see the tulips. If you live anywhere remotely near, you should make the trek to see the poppies. Even if is just once. For us, it might just become a spring time tradition.

________________________________________________________

On a different note, I'll be taking the rest of the week off to work on some improvements on this blog space as well as to start up a new project with Aaron. Although I have no knowledge or experience in this area, we are starting a web site, a new blog and an Etsy shop.

I hope to have something to show you next week. There will be a giveaway of some of Aaron's linoleum block prints so be sure to check back. I'll keep you posted.

And wish me luck on figuring this all out!

Love from,

Greta

Poppy Dreams-Part 1

Oceans of poppies! We got up early yesterday and drove to the Antelope Valley to see the poppies. But before we got there, we had to stop for some eats.

We found this place.

Katz and Jammers Cafe in Lancaster.

Red vinyl booths, checker floor, gumballs. It was a good find.

The kids thought so, too.
Fun for them = sharing their own table and juice to drink.
little jams
and stools that spin.

I think the people of Lancaster thought it was a little weird that they were still in their jammies. I guess us city folk are different.
Aaron made himself at home in all that dinery goodness.
But my favorite part was George's Cleaners, just across the street.
I mean, look at those mid century lines, stacked flagstone and color palette. I would live here. The building I mean, not necessarily Lancaster. (no offense Lancaster)
We dressed the kids on the side of the road and then they waited for Mommy to stop taking pictures of George's so we could go see the poppies.
Do you love to stop in out of the way towns and explore a little bit?

We do.

It is one of our favorite parts of traveling. It is fun to experience a new place, see new people, get a feel for the local flavor and find the gems, like George's.

There were lots more cool places to photograph, but we needed to get to those poppies.

Don't worry Lancaster, we'll be back to give you your photographic justice.

The Day of James

We celebrated James' 6th birthday on Friday. He and William decided they want to share their birthday party (awesome for me!) but on the actual birthday, it is all about the birthday boy.

So here it is, the day of James, April 23, 2010.

First up, a present. A vintage Star Wars book? Cool! (thanks Danielle!)

William was just as excited as James.

Side note: this picture pretty much sums up William's attitude the whole day. He never moped or complained as James got presents or planned our agenda. He was just happy to be alongside his big brother and share his day. It is plain to see that he adores his big brother. James is his favorite person in the world. I am so glad they have each other. Brothers--it doesn't get any better.
Next stop, Disneyland. James has been waiting months to build his own light saber. After a trip on Star Tours, his wish came true.

He got to pick out his favorite rides, but he did pick the train for William. We traveled back in time, but James was still 6 when we came out of the tunnel and the land of the dinosaurs.

The big surprise was when we took him to the Lego store at Downtown Disney. He had no idea such a place even existed, but when he saw the giant Lego doors, his face burst into a huge grin. He was so excited he was almost teary eyed. I'll always remember that smile.
He kept saying, "I know he's not real."

He picked out a Y wing Fighter for his gift--even thought William was trying to talk him into the $150 dollar set with the Ewoks.

"That's OK James, I'll just pick it out on my birthday."

Looks like we're going to have to have a little "setting limits" talk with Mr. William.
I think his favorite part of the day was when we came home, he stripped down to his undies, for comfort, and he and Daddy built the Y wing.

O bliss. (except for when William was building it wrong)

Finished!

It shoots rockets?!
He doesn't want cupcakes anymore. He wants the kind of cake that you cut into slices. Chocolate, of course.

I think Aaron and I have just as many wonderful memories of this day as James does. And that is just about the best gift we could have gotten on his birthday.

Happy birthday, Jamers. We love you buddy!

Remembering His Birth Day

There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for the tide of love that will wash over you the moment your first child is born.

It is overpowering.

It is all encompassing.

It is consuming.

It is is like nothing else in the world.

I thought I knew love. Those heady days of bliss when Aaron and I could talk for hours on end and never run out of things to say. When my heart raced because I thought I might see him walking around campus. When just holding hands nearly made me faint.

It was wonderful.

When we said "I do" and began our life together.

I knew it was forever.

And I knew it was love.

But this, this baby, that was formed in my body, that came out of my body, that I sustained with my body, this, was a love on a whole different level.

I have heard of husbands who are jealous after their first child is born.

I don't blame them.

Sometimes I felt a bit guilty because I was so wholly infatuated with James. My heart was full of James. I was in love again.

I remember every detail with crystal clarity.

It was the start of this journey of motherhood. This journey that is shaping me into the woman I always wanted to be and the woman I know I should be. It is the most important job I will ever have. It is the most difficult job I will ever have. And certainly the most rewarding.

It has opened up parts of me that I didn't know where there.

Being a mother is making me into a better person.

It began that moment when my sweet Mom proclaimed the news, "IT'S A BOY!" and Aaron looked up from the chair he'd been sitting in because he could no longer stand, and we were sobbing, and I kept asking, "is he all right, is he all right?"

And he was.

And they gave him to me and I never believed in God more fully than I did then, when I looked at the miracle that had been given me.

My sweet baby James.

He's six now.

But I like to tell him that he'll always be my baby. Even when he's an old man.

Birthdays are special. They are special for the Mommies because they are the day we remember our lives changed forever.

The day our lives changed for good.

My James, I couldn't be gladder or prouder to be your Mama. I praise God every day for this day, the day you came into my life.

I love you darling.

The Making of a Pirate Ship

A Good Play

by Robert Loius Stevenson

We built a ship upon the stairs

All made of the back of bed-room chairs,

And filled it full of sofa pillow

To go a-sailing on the billows

We took a saw and several nails,

And water in the nursery pails;

And Tom said, "Let us also take

An apple and a slice of cake,"--

Which was enough for Tom and me

To go a-sailing on, till tea.

We sailed along for days and days

And had the very best of plays

But Tom fell out and hurt his knee

So there was no one left but me.

Don't you love to see their minds at work?

Imagination is one of God's greatest gifts to us.

May your day be full of grand adventures--whether real or imaginary, enjoy them!

Love from Greta