Friday, August 27, 2010

Baby Blues

My sister in law is about to have a baby.  Our due dates were 10 days apart.  Here we are the day she told us all she, too, was pregnant with baby # 4!

Even though I had already guessed, we were all so excited.  It was going to be our 3rd time having babies together.  Each time a surprise -- we never knew the other was planning, or not planning, on being pregnant.  It has just been a happy treat to have our babies together again and again.

The first time was with James and Cora.  My first, her second.  Our due dates were a day apart.  One hot day in April, they were born about 19 hours apart in the same hospital.  A nurse popped her head into my room while Aaron, James and I slept to tell me my sister in law was down the hall and in labor.  I hobbled down to say hello and hobbled down a couple hours later to meet my new niece. ( I pushed for 2.5 hours.  it was amazing I could even hobble at all!)
We had so much fun together in the hospital.  It was like a big party.

Here are the 2 of them together.  Born less than a day apart and hanging out together already.

They are still best buds.

It happened again 4 years later when Mark and Jessica came over to tell us they were pregnant with their 3rd.  
"How far along are you?" Aaron asked.
"8 weeks,"Jessica said.
"Us too!" Aaron exclaimed.
We couldn't believe it had happened again.  And just as much of a surprise as the first time.  This time our due dates were 2 days apart.
The girls didn't stick to the schedule and were born a week apart.
Lilly and I got to be there when Lizzy was born.  Lilly was snuggled in the sling while I took pictures.  Here is their first picture together.  Lizzy was just an hour old.

Now they are 2 and still such good buddies.

So when Jessica told us she was pregnant with her 4th, I was so looking forward to these memories again.  2 new cousins to be so close in age and such good friends.
It felt like even more of a loss when I lost my baby.

I have been feeling much better these days.  Of course there are still moments of sadness--sometimes intense--but they are farther apart.  I can think about it less now.
But as my due date approaches, I find it weighing heavy on my heart again.  I just can't help thinking about what should have been and what will never be.
And just like always, I struggle with allowing myself these feelings of grief.

This past weekend I helped host a baby shower for Jessica.  It was a lot of fun and something I very much wanted to do.  I didn't think it would be that hard for me, and was kind of a way to prove to myself that I am doing just fine.
And I really was. 
But then a dear, caring friend send me an email to let me know she was thinking of me on that day.
That was all I needed to let the tears flow.
Of course that wasn't her intent, but it was like I was given permission to mourn still.  And I needed that. Even though it made the day harder.

I am learning that grief and loss are a process.  Healing takes time.  I struggle so much with the messages that fill my brain like, "I have so much to be grateful for", and "people have it much worse than you".  And while those things are true, so is this:

"There is a time for everything, 
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance."
Ecclesiastes 3

There will be much laughter and dancing with joy when baby Abby is born.  I can't wait to hold her and meet another lovely little person.  I am such a sucker for newborn babies.  There is just nothing better.
But I won't deny my tears because they will be there too.
And that is OK.

Much love from,

Please go look at the baby shower over at Picnics.  it was lots of fun and I'd love for you to ooh and ahh over our garlands.We had so much fun making them for Jess and baby Abby.


Heather at Blessed Little Nest said...

oh sweet greta, i'm saying a prayer for you that God will fill your heart with comfort for grieving so you know that it's okay to grieve your loss now and always. the grief won't always look or feel the same, but it's okay for it to be part of you. it really is. i promise.


Lillian said...

I love you my sweet girl.

katie said...

This is just simply beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Prayers are being lifted up for you.

Life with Littles said...

Oh Greta, You made me cry. I remember this feeling so clearly as several of my friends had babies the same month that I was due. I remember not being able to go to the baby showers. It was hard.

I love you and I love what the Lord is doing through you. You have such a precious heart.

Lisa H said...

I've just found your blog and thought I would take a moment to say hello. I'm so sorry for your loss...I'm glad you know it's okay to grieve still.

Your family is just precious. I have two little boys and a girl fun. I read your post about your daughter looking up to her brothers and it sounded like something I could have written about my family. :)

Kristine said...

Hi Sweetie,
The photos of your nieces with your kids are just precious. Almost unbelievable. It's like a movie, a precious gift to have these children in sync with your sister-in-law.
And yet so much greater the sense of loss this time. God is good to give you the grace to have joy and laughter for the shower and also to allow you the time to grieve as well.
Hugs to you, dear friend. And prayers for you too.