Monday, March 1, 2010


I am grateful I live now, not a hundred years ago.
Because I have cheated death 3 times in childbirth, with the help of doctors and modern medicine.

I am grateful for the love of my husband.
Because he held me while I stood in the shower, weeping like I never have before. In the most raw moment of my life he was with me and I know he always will be.

I am grateful for my nurse last night.
Because she bathed my legs and feet and emptied my bed pan and let me talk and cry and remember that this wasn't just about me bleeding but why I was bleeding.

I am grateful for grandparents who have watched our kids.
Because they have been safe and happy and away from all this sadness.

I am grateful I had 10 days to prepare for the loss of my baby.
Because it made it just a little easier to bear.

I am grateful for flowers.
Because they are sweet and cheerful and remind me I am loved and that life is still beautiful.

Last night I was in the ER and then the hospital. After I miscarried, I began to hemorrhage. It happened so fast, but it took a long time to stop. After a lot of different drugs, a lot of blood tests and just missing surgery and a blood transfusion, I made it home this afternoon.
And I am so grateful.

I am looking forward to new beginnings. I will never forget these past days, nor the joy of the months preceding them. I will never forget this baby. I am grateful for the time we had with it.

Hoping to be back here soon with words of joy on my lips and my fingers. But for now I must rest.
Thank you again for loving prayers and support.


Betsi said...

You are amazing. You are Jesus with skin on to me. I love you so much and my heart breaks for you right now. It's amazing how much I've cried over the last 24 hours for you. I can't begin to wish I would handle this with as much grace as you have.
You are SO in my prayers and on my heart.
Love to you and all, Betsi*

Kristine said...

I am so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I just discovered the pain you've been going through and am so sad. I miscarried after my third as well, and it is a sad, sad thing. I weep reading your post and knowing the hurt you have. It is good to be grateful. What an amazing God we serve who cares for all our hurts and knows our sorrow and pain as no other. I would love to have your little ones over if you'd like some time alone. Or even if you don't. Come on over. I love you, sister.