But I'm not.
This is going to take a while.
I wake up early, and I don't feel rested. I've been having awful dreams. Dreams where the people I love die, or terrible things are happening to them. Dreams that wake me with a start and then I am afraid to go back to sleep because I don't want the dream to come back.
William is really wrestling with this too. Last night he asked us if all the doors were locked because he was afraid of bad guys. He has never asked us that before. He has mentioned 3 times in the past 2 weeks that he is afraid of dying. I feel so bad for him and don't know what to give him except for lots of love.
Trouble is, he is also being kind of bratty, so it is hard to be loving when I sort of want to slug him. I know he is being bratty because he wants my attention anyway he can get it, and Lord knows I am distracted right now, but honestly, I just wish he'd knock it off.
That is William to a tee--a perfect blend of the sweetest sweet and the sourest sour.
I have felt a lot like him today. I look at these glorious flowers (thank you dear Alicia) and I think, "I will find sunshine in my sorrow."
And the next minute my head is spinning around like the little girl in the Exorcist because of something the kids have done.
I hold my kids.
I help make a fort.
I yell, "what are you doing? Have you lost your mind?"
I cry again.
I pray again.
I wish I could just close my door and go to bed.
But the fact of the matter is, I can't. I have 3 other children, not just this one I lost. And I can't indulge in feeling sorry for myself forever. I am allowed to cry. I am allowed to feel sad. But I have to carry on.
I have a job to do.
But, will you allow me this one indulgence? Can I just tell you about today? I'd like to share.
Low: getting dressed this morning. Still in maternity pants. I cry.
High: sweet friend Tammy watches Lils so I don't have to chase her around the pool at swimming lessons.
Low: William has a terrible swim lesson. I feel like this whole thing is affecting him in every way.
Low: Lilly only napped on the way home. No break for Mommy.
High: the kids and I build an awesome tent under the orange trees and all 3 of them have a blast playing in it this afternoon.
Low: while I was cleaning the bathroom, they decide to bring out all their clothes to the fort. Clean clothes strewn across the dirty driveway and under the trees.
Low: me yelling, :"what is wrong with you? Don't you think before you do things?"
Low: William hitting Lilly in the head with a hoe. It was an accident. However, he's been told he's not allowed to use said hoe. So...
High: agreeing that meals would be really helpful after I said no to them before. Within minutes, 3 friends have signed up to bring meals.
Low: which is good, because tonight we had french toast for dinner.
High: made it through the day without one video being watched. No one even asked for them.
Low: put on a video for Lilly and William after bath time while I helped James "sew" his Luke Skywalker costume.
Low: got mad at Aaron cause he didn't call to tell me he'd be late.
High: he didn't hold it against me.
Low: I'm still really sad. And I hate it.
I think that every day has highs and lows, it just feels like my lows are really low right now. I am not accustomed to feeling this way and I don't like it.
That is why I am ending this post with 2 items of good news. Because, like I just said to Aaron, all we can do after a crappy day is pick ourselves up and say, tomorrow will be better.
And it will.
Good thing # 1: I read this post this morning and was inspired. I need something uplifting right now. I need to feel good. So I bought the cheapest tickets I could find to see the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. Aaron and I are going tomorrow night. I've seen them once before and am very much looking forward to some toe-tapping hand-clapping music and amazing dancing. Get a preview here.
Good thing # 2: Way back in November I submitted my blog here. Last week they sent me a notice that they accepted it. I had forgotten all about it, so it was a nice bit of cheerful news. I am not paying for my listing, so it is not on the front page. However, it would mean a lot to me if you'd visit their site and write a little review of my blog. Just a few words about why you like it. I'd really, really appreciate it. Just go here and then scroll down until you find Lilly and the Brothers. It is in alphabetical order. I'm sure you can find it.
So that is it. Tomorrow is a new day. For that, I am thankful.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here.
PS. Finally going to write a new post at Picnics in the Park. Be sure to check in there too.