Saying Goodbye

Today has been a really hard day. I have been on the verge of tears for most of it. I think the extreme sleep deprivation, the packing up a whole house in 5 days with 3 little ones under foot, and the complete chaos of my life might have a little something to do with it. But only a little something.

You see, what it really is, is that I am saying goodbye.

I was talking to my landlord today and sharing my fragile emotional state. He said, "well of course. You brought your baby home here."

Yes. Yes! That is it. And so much more. I am not just leaving this house where I brought home my sweet baby girl. I am leaving this neighborhood where Aaron and I started a new life together. We celebrated our 2nd anniversary driving around Belmont Heights looking for a house to live in. I started teaching and he started school and we grew up together in our little house on 3rd st.

Then the babies came. I have puffed up these hills during all 3 pregnancies. I have pushed all 3 babies, in different strollers on these streets. After James was born, the 3 of us would take hours long walks by the water during his fussy evening times. Now Aaron takes the kids on Saturday morning to Aroma Di Roma for croissants. He started when William was a baby. We spent Lilly's first summer in this backyard watching the brothers play in the mud hole and the pool. We walk to the park, the beach, or to get ice cream. I recognize people who walk their dogs by every day. I have favorite houses, friends, and restaurants just down the street. This is my neighborhood. This is my home.

I have always been a person who likes adventure. New places and new things excite me. This does not mean, however, that I don't hold onto the past. As much as I joyfully anticipate creating a new life in our new home, I mourn leaving this life. It is not easy to say goodbye.

I should be packing right now. There are still some full cupboards in the kitchen. But my head is pounding and my heart is full and I need a break. Writing is cathartic. I know that for new beginnings to come, we must first have an ending. I am looking forward to our new beginning. I am especially looking forward to being done with boxes. That will be a good ending.

We've had 9 wonderful years here. Where will we be after 9 more? That is a thought that makes my head pound even more. I better get back to those boxes.

Goodbye neighborhood. I'll miss you.

Lilly-9 months old

Last night Lilly woke at about 4 am.  As I sat on the couch holding her, I found that I didn't want to rush right back to bed.  Her body was so warm.  She snuggled up against me and gave a little sigh.  Her soft, even breathing told me she was asleep again, but I didn't put her back in her crib.  She is so busy during the day now that we don't have many opportunities to cuddle. Even nursing her has turned into more of a wrestling match than a bonding moment.  

So I sat there, in the quiet of the wee hours, and listened to her breathe.  I kissed her soft, round cheeks and whispered sweet nothings into her ear.  As much as I dread hearing her wake in the night, I know I will miss it when it is all over. It is our time. Her little world is opening up and everything is changing so fast, but I feel like I can slow it down for just a bit, while we sit in the dark, in the wee hours.   

She turned 9 months old on Monday.  As her 1st birthday approaches, I find myself having more of these middle of the night moments.  I love to see her growing, but I want to hold onto my baby.  Oh the eternal struggle of motherhood.

 

At 9 months she hasn't lost her baby fat.  She has 3 teeth now.  She loves to pull herself up on everything, but won't get down.  That would mean falling, and she just screams instead.  It seems she is not quite as mellow as we've thought. Her greatest joy is standing somewhere where she can watch her bubas play.  The one word she says repeatedly is "bubu." (That is a soft u sound)  She follows them around like a dog, and plays legos, trains or trucks with them.  She really, really adores them.  

She likes to do "So Big" and when you ask her to say hi, she gives the most adorable Miss America wave you've ever seen.  It is all wrist.  She still doesn't know a stranger and will befriend anyone.  She's never cried when left at the nursery or with a sitter.  She just looks around as if to say, "so what's this place all about?"  It seems like life is one big, exciting adventure for her.

Lillian is such a mixture of James and William.  Not just in looks, but in personality too.  She has the interest in everything going on around her that James had.  And she has the intensity about some things that William had. Mostly food.  Wanting it, and wanting more of it. 

 Tonight when Aaron came home, she has a huge grin on her face.  He said hi to her and then moved away to greet a brother.  Lilly clenched her fist and gave a scream.  

"What's wrong, Lilly?" Aaron asked her.  

"She wants you to pick her up, " I said.   

He did, and she nuzzled her head right into his chest and then gave him a pat, pat on the back.  When she pulled her head back to look at him, her smile was a mile wide.  

Only 9 months old and she's completely stolen her daddy's heart.

Friday fun day at the nature center, and THE DUCK INCIDENT

I have discovered that Friday is not my day.  By Friday I have been with the kids for 5 straight days.  I am tired, cranky and not very patient.  Staying home makes things worse.  By Friday I tend to see the pile of laundry, dishes or other chores around the house as more important than the kids.  Friday just wasn't working for us.

So I declared a new holiday: Friday Fun Day.  It is magnificent!  We get out of the house as soon as possible after Lilly's am nap.  That means that I am packing a picnic lunch instead of cleaning the bathroom.  It means I only do the breakfast dishes, or not.  It means we go to Yogurt Land for a treat, or In and Out for lunch.  It means we take our time, and spend the whole afternoon out.  It means a meandering hike, or hours at the park.  It means a special day just for the 4 of us.    

We begin discussing ideas for FFD on Thursday and I let the boys pick what we will do.  They get pretty excited about it. I love how we can take something as simple as giving a day a new name, and it turns into an adventure.  I am a firm believer in elevating the everyday.  And with 2 FFDs under my belt, I am a firm believer in them, too.  I return so refreshed.  Instead of spending the day fed up and begrudging the time I have given to my children all week, I am fully present and spend the day enjoying them.  Revolutionary thought, I know.  But, it is working for me. 

2 weeks ago we celebrated the inaugural FFD at El Dorado Nature Center.  It is one of our most favorite places, so it was a fitting place to begin.  We love the turtles sunning as we walk in across the bridge.    

We love the interpretive center where we check out bones and how the world looks through a bug's eyes.




We love looking for fish in the pond.
Lilly loves the ducks that waddle right up to her and check her out.  She thinks she'd like to pet one.

We love collecting lots of sticks and hanging out on all the bridges and pretending to fish. Creeks and sticks are two of God's gifts to little boys.

We love the quiet and the tranquility of this place.  A place where we can see a pair of wild Canadian geese on their way back north.

We love to stop and watch them, draw a picture of them in our nature notebooks and, yes, laugh about how much they poop.
We love seeing a bee hive, especially since William wants to be a honeybee when he grows up. Now he knows what his future looks like.  
We love playing pooh sticks on every, single bridge we cross.
It was a pretty peaceful afternoon.  Until, The Duck Incident.

We were all hanging out on one of the bridges.  The boys were busily playing pooh sticks while I nursed Lilly.  Every so often a trio of ducks would come floating down the stream, and when they came to our bridge, they'd climb out, waddle across the path and get back into the water. The bridges are too low for them to swim under, so they get out.  They pretty much ignored us. It is mating season, so the boy ducks are focused on the girls ducks and the girl ducks are focused on getting away from the boy ducks.  Anyway, the boy ducks were trying to show off and would do some wild antics every now and then.  Often this entailed stretching out their wings and quacking loudly.

As another trio floated toward us, the boys leaned way over the bridge, rather close to the ducks.  And then, the 2 boy ducks, stretched both wings and necks, and quacking fiercely, flew right at the boys heads.  I screamed like a crazy lady, jumped up with Lilly attached to me and ran to protect my boys.  

By that time, the ducks had settled quietly in the water on the other side of the bridge and were floating away.  Oh.  I guess they just felt like flying over the bridge instead of walking around it.  They weren't attacking my sons.  Whew!  

Boy did we have a long laugh after that one.  I screamed loud.  It was funny.  It actually took James a few minutes to decide he wasn't scared.  Those ducks did come awfully close to their heads.  For the rest of the hike, he gave ducks a wide berth.  If he grows up with a fear of ducks, I wouldn't be surprised.  

Despite our run in with the ducks, I would call our first Friday Fun Day a success.  I came home to a house that was messy, but I was in the frame of mind to deal with it.  Nicely.  It was the kind of day when I could say, "I really loved being with you guys today."  I am looking forward to many years of Friday Fun Days.