Thursday, November 5, 2009

Let's Be Honest

I am going to say something that will make me sound like a terrible Mommy. However, I feel confidant that it is something that every Mommy, every Daddy, has felt at some point.

Sometimes, I don't like my kids.

There, it's out. I have a feeling that most parents don't experience this emotion until their kids reach the teenage years, and they certainly don't feel that way about their adorable 18 month old daughter. Like I said, it makes me sound like a terrible Mommy.

But Lilly is still screaming. And she is transitioning from 2 naps a day to 1. And the time change is making her wake up at 5. And when you add all those things up, you get really awful combination. And a Mommy who feels more than a teensy bit frustrated.

The first time I ever admitted I felt dislike towards one of my children, I admitted it to Aaron. It was when we were in the "William years" (actually only a few months, but it seemed like years). It had been a particularly frustrating day and, near tears, I confessed to Aaron, "sometimes I feel like I don't even like him."

He looked at me and said, "I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to hear you say that."

He thought he was the only one. I guess we are both terrible parents.

I'm there now with Lilly. It is a terrible feeling. After all, she is just a baby. And she is so cute. And she walks up and gives me loves for no reason, other than she loves me and I'm her Momma. But she also screams and throws tantrums and tests me like nothing I have ever experienced. Who is this girl?

Oh, it's a fleeting feeling. It doesn't last for weeks, days or even all day. But sometimes, it's there.

The other day, James called me into the bedroom, "Mommy, come check this out!"

Of course they think it is great that their little sister can get to the 3rd rung. I'm sure she would have made it to the top if James hadn't been blocking the way. (For the record, that ladder stays down all day, but the boys put it back up for playing fire truck and Lilly took immediate advantage of the opportunity.)
The thing is, she wasn't one bit sorry when she saw me. She just flashed me a big grin and said, "hi!"
When I grabbed my camera to take a picture of her mischief, she smiled and said,"cheese!" She finds trouble where ever she goes.

I know that this will pass. Even today, although she woke up at 4:30 am, was better. She is trying to talk more. If she isn't so tired, there is a lot less screaming, a lot less mischief.
But sometimes, I tire. I wonder if I will last until 2 or 3 or however old she will be before this ends. And don't you even say 18!

The post I wrote 2 days ago about William was actually such an encouragement for me as I deal with Lilly. I had forgotten how intense it was for a time. I forgot how lost and lonely I felt. It is good to be on the other side of it. William is so different now.

In my head I know I will get through this. After everyone is in bed and the house is quiet, I can think logically. I know this is a phase. It won't be like this forever. And, our favorite saying, "someday we'll miss this."

But when I am in the trenches, all I can think is, "I am never gonna make it out of here alive."
But I will. I will live to tell about it. And one day, when she is 14 and hormonal, I will probably make the same tearful confession to Aaron again.

I don't know how I feel about that. I think I'm a little bit scared.

Maybe 1 and a half isn't so bad after all.


Dorinda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dorinda said...

I love this post. You even made me start to cry! I don't have kids of my own yet, but I have nieces and nephews and younger siblings I've had to deal with. I think you have a great family that God has blessed you with. Thank you for sharing. <3

Naomi said...

I am soooo there with you on this one! Reesie (just turned 2) and some of her friends her age have been going through the same. It's that phase where they're able to use their hands and legs to finally do the things they want that their older siblings are doing and here comes that Mommy restricting me again. And without understanding that we are sparing them injuries and building character; and since they have no social graces, they let us know as best they can - screaming, throwing things, etc. It is so taxing. And so embarrassing when it happens in public or in front of others. I swear, God made them so darned cute at this age so you wouldn't throw them out the window! What you're feeling is so natural. I always try to remember that it is the difficult and draining training that I do with her now that spares me the bigger, escalated version of it when she's 3 or 4, we've all seen what that looks like at the playground and the grocery store. Anyway, we must go for coffee instead of posting such long comments on each others blogs :) Some of us from the group are going to see Bright Star in your area on Nov. 17th and for coffee after if you'd like to join us.