Where Did That Baby Go?

She's running.

She's exploring.

She's playing ball.

She's saying ball.

Sometimes she even stands still.

But not for long.

Already it feels like time is racing forward. The days past are becoming a

blur.

Where did that baby go?

Lilly woke sometime around midnight last night. She was crying and restless. I could see how uncomfortable she was. Even after nursing, she just would not relax. Finally, I laid down in bed and cuddled her against my chest. I stroked her back and shushed her, just like I did when she was a little baby.

It has been a while since I've done that. She rarely sleeps on my chest anymore. She doesn't need to, or want to. She is too busy to sit still and cuddle for long. She gives kisses and "love", but those are quick, and then she's off. So even though I was tired, I was grateful for the chance to hold her close, to hear her breathe, to feel the weight and warmth of her, because I know these days are fleeting.

I cherish these moments with the brothers too. William still loves to lay on me. He asks if he can lay on my "tummy tum tums." I rub his back and it one of the best ways to help him fall asleep when he can't slow down. James is much too big for that kind of cuddling. But he still loves it when I climb into his bed to cuddle with him. We hold hands and touch noses. He whispers that he loves me. These are some of my favorite times with my babies; who are quickly becoming babies no longer.

There is this push pull always going on in the heart of a mother. We can't wait until they get bigger so they can, get out of diapers, feed themselves, clean their room, or whatever it is. Yet at the same time, we hate to see them grow up and we miss the days when they were tiny babies, content to just fall asleep on our chest. We want them to be independent, but we want them to need us. Oh, it is a terribly hard thing to be a mother.

But I know, I know, they will always need me. Just like I needed my mom in those days after I came home from the hospital, again, with 2 week old James. When her confidant hands bathed him in the kitchen sink. Her calm presence let me rest on the couch and eased my tired and scared heart. They will need me in different ways. And there will be lots of times when they say they don't need me. But they will. Because, just like I tell William when he says I can't call him baby, "in my heart, you'll always be my baby."