Monday, September 12, 2011

2 Years

The last 2 years have been full of sunshine.
And shadows.

Today is the 2nd anniversary of my due date that never was.
To every one else, just another day to mark off on the calender.
But to me, a day forever etched in my heart.

After 2 years the pain has lessened.
I read these words that I wrote last year, the day I was hoping would be the one when I would meet my baby.
It's different now.
Not so much that searing grief as a deep sadness.
I wonder what might have been.
I wonder about the life that wasn't lived out.
And, I still miss my dear little fourth baby.
Whenever I see daffodils I think of my Baby Dear.

Aaron gave me a card this morning that had this verse in it:
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."  Matthew 5:4
And that, dear friends, is true.
Through these 2 very hard years, God has brought me comfort in so many different and unexpected ways.
Our miscarriage was the beginning of some very rough times for Aaron and I.
And so, as I was mourning the loss of our baby, I was also mourning my marriage.
But in the end, God brought comfort.
I am not saying things were magically "all better" like nothing was ever wrong.
What I am saying is that after the mourning, and the clinging to Him through it, God brought comfort.
It is like I said in this post, "weeping may tarry for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

And even in those times that I felt very alone, I never was.
God was there.
And He showed Himself in many ways.
In the friend who brought me a candle, sat on the couch with me and cried with me.
In the flowers left on my porch.
In the notes I got, some from you who read my blog and I have never even met.
In the offers from friends and family to take the kids so I could rest.
In the comments left here.
In the meals people brought.

In all the gestures, from small to grand, that were made and that brought comfort to my aching heart, God was there.
"Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me."  Matthew 25:40
You see, you never know how your small act of kindness will minister to someone's heart and bring them comfort.
You never know how much those cookies you made will bless someone.

I have learned much through this loss.
I have learned the value of reaching out to others in honesty instead of hiding and putting on a brave face.
That doesn't help me, nor can it help anyone else.
Instead, I am learning to comfort others with the comfort I have received. ( 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4) 
I am so glad that my little one's life made an impact on mine, even though it was only with me for 12 short weeks.

Thank you again for walking with me through those days of hurt.
Thank you for being living kindness to me.
Thank you for giving me this place to remember.
Love from,


katie said...

Thinking of you and praying that God can offer you his peace and comfort.

Laura said...

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

standing with you.

Life with Littles said...

Love you friend...These verses ave been such comfort verses to me as well. Thanks for blessing me this morning.

Lillian said...

We love you and we love your Baby Dear as well. We are thankful to our Lord for knowing your hurt and comforting you with His great love. You will be in our prayers and our heart on this special day.

Betsi* said...

Our hearts are forever knit together through the grief we shared a year and a half ago. Thank you for the comfort you gave to me in our time of sorrow!
And now, here we are. You with a new little life in your arms and me with one coming so soon. We truly have been comforted.
But we will always remember the dates of the two days last year that should have been. And it will ache until that day when our faith shall be our eyes...

Aaron Eskridge said...

I will always remember, and grieve with you for our lost baby, and the day that should have been.

I love you.


c. griffith said...

Hi, I stumbled upon your blog in trying to find ideas for shared bedrooms for kids as we are being forced to downsize into a small two bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment. I ooohed and ahhhed over your your bedrooms and decided that our family of 4(with prayers of it becoming 5 or 6 one day) could make the space(or lack there of) work. Then I read more posts on your blog and then mosied onto your family blog and was moved to tears. I actually wept at my computer for a good 5 minutes. Good thing the hubby is working out of town tonight, he would have thought I was crazy!
This past April I lost baby #3 at 11 weeks. I was heartbroken and lost, but I guess in the last couple months have tried my best to act like I was at peace. I tried to convince myself that I was to move focus on my blessed, healthy boys and supportive husband. Your words convicted me in the best way possible. It is okay to cry still. To ache still. I want more than anything these days to be pregnant again, but I know God has perfect timing and I need to remember to trust in Him. The Lord has given me comfort and healing through your blog. It is amazing what a good cry can do!
So...thank you!

Greta said...

C., I am so glad the Lord could use my words to minister to your heart.
I don't know why we feel like we have to better so quickly after a miscarriage.
We lost a baby.
It is right to mourn.
And even if we miss that baby for our whole life, it would be ok.
It has been such a short time since you lost your little one. Allow yourself grace as you grieve for that life.
And I pray that when the time is right, the Lord would bless you with another baby.
And may He bless you right now.
Love from,