2 and a half weeks ago, while we were on vacation, I took a pregnancy test.
It was the first time I'd used one of the expensive ones. Usually I buy the cheapest one. You know the kind that have the 2 pink lines, or the 1 blue line and 1 pink line, or the 1 pink line and 1 blue double line, and so on and so on. The pregnancy tests that make me look at the test and the directions and back at the test and back at the directions about 20 times to make sure I am reading the result correctly. I walk out of the bathroom and then walk back in a few minutes later to check it all over again.
This time I didn't want to mess around.
It was amazing to see "PREGNANT" on that tiny screen and know instantly what I had known all along: we are having a baby!
I plan on writing all about that day, because it was so wonderful and such a precious gift from God, but right now I'm fast forwarding to today.
Today I had an ultrasound.
While met with great joy, this pregnancy has been different from any of my others. There is a shadow and all of us feel it. We feel more vulnerable. We have hope. But we have fear too.
From the beginning, without any prompting from us, the boys have prayed for this baby. They pray for it to grow healthy and strong. They pray that it won't die.
They are not sad when they pray this. They are matter of fact, they are hopeful and they trust that God will hear their prayer. But they are not afraid to pray that prayer and to admit that the fear is there.
I appreciate that about them. And I echo their prayers.
I remember this:
"who of you by worrying can add one hour to your lives?"
I may not know what tomorrow holds, but I am rejoicing in today.
I always feel nervous waiting for that first time to see the heartbeat. Today was no different. Except that nervousness was intensified.
And when the ultrasound tech found that tiny, white spot and she said, "someone is in there and it's heart is beating away," my own heart swelled with joy and hope and LOVE.
This is my 5th baby and I am still in awe that I can love something so tiny and so new so very, very much.
That little life matters.
I looked at Aaron with tears in my eyes and we grinned and cried and he squeezed my hand because we were looking at our baby.
And more than I could ever tell you, this baby is our miracle.
I want to shout it from the mountain tops that GOD IS GOOD!
I am so in love already.
Expected arrival of the newest Eskridge: June 20, 2011.
The boys already refer to the baby as her. They are quite certain Lilly needs a sister. After all, they have each other and she should have someone too.
Lilly wants a baby sister also. Although she refuses to admit she will then become a big sister. She responds every time with this, "no, I'm the little sister." Perhaps she is worried about losing her current ranking as ruler of the house.
Aaron was pro girl too. Until I pointed out that meant we'd have 2 teenage daughters at the same time. That scared him.
No matter who we get, we are joyfully looking forward to meeting another brother or sister next June.
And we're praying a lot.
I'd so appreciate it if you'd pray along with us.
Much love from,
PS. And yes, I am excruciatingly tired. Like falling asleep while I read to them on the couch every afternoon tired, like put in a movie for them so I can take a nap tired, like falling asleep at 7 o clock tired.
It's hard to get much done beyond the necessities.
And some days it is hard to do even those.
Cause I am also sick.
Like complain a lot sick, even though I try not to.
It doesn't matter how many times I do this, I always forget how hard it is.
One of the greatest beauties of pregnancy and childbirth is the forgetting.
Postings may, or may not, be sparse for a bit here.
And I have totally been craving chocolate milk!
I think I'll go have a glass right now.