On My Due Date: Hurting and Healing

Today was my due date.

The day that was etched in my heart from that first day when I found out I was expecting our baby number 4.

Our Baby Dear.

It was supposed to be a day of great joy.  But it is not.  It is only a reminder of what was lost and what never will be.

As everyone said, that pain lessened some with the passage of time.  It was still there, but I didn't think of it constantly.  I have found though, that as this day approached, the sadness, once again, grew heavier.

I think the hardest part is the morning.  Especially when I first lost the baby.  I'd wake up and in those few seconds of first waking, I'd forget.

Then the remembering was like a punch in the stomach and I'd catch my breath and realize it was true.

It is horrible.

Grief is horrible.

I miss my baby.  

And I wish I could have known it.  I wish I could have had 3 sons, or 2 daughters.  I wish I could have seen that first smile and heard that first laugh.  I wish that I could have nursed my baby at my breast in the middle of the night in those sweetest of moments that only a mommy and her baby know.

And even though it has been 6 months, I am still sad.

I will always be sad for this life that was not fully lived.

In the days after I found out, it seemed a new world opened up to me.  A world of other mothers who had lost children and who showed me great love and compassion.

I have learned when I feel sad to pray.  And not for myself, but for all those other mothers who are feeling the same pain I feel.  

Many I don't even know.  And some lost their children years ago.  But I know they still miss them.  Because a mama always will.

These prayers help.  They help me heal.  They help me grow.  They help me move through these days.

During these hard, hard days, I lean into God and He gives me hope.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13

In a year, 10 years, 30 years, probably few will remember I lost a baby.  But that baby's life meant a great something to me and I will never forget.  That tiny being was precious to me.

So important that I want to say something about it.  That's right, I am going straight up pro life on you. I'm pretty sure it's the forbidden topic in blogging, it was in all my college English classes, but I don't care.

I ask you to remember those little baby feet.  Perfect 10 week baby feet, a beating heart, a growing brain and body.  

A life that was meant to be lived.

Will you cast your vote with that in mind?  Will you remember those sweet and tiny babies?

I hope that you will.

Because they all matter, whether they were wanted or not.

And sweet baby of mine, I wanted you.  I want you still.

I won't ever forget you were part of our family. 

I'll love you from here.

And I'll keep waiting for heaven, just like your big brothers say.

Love from,

Mommy