Tuesday, April 13, 2010

It's Still There

Almost 2 months since that dr. visit.
It's still there.
It comes at unexpected times. I never know when actually. But, suddenly there it is.
I am afraid to talk about it anymore. I wonder what people think.
"Get over it. You need to let it go now. Other people have lost husbands. Grown sons and daughters. Enough already."
And yet, today when William said to me from the back seat of the car, "Mommy, I'm sad that our baby died, " I was glad he said it.
How could he have known that at just that moment I was wiping the tears from my eyes and missing my baby dear? Sometimes I think he has a window to my soul.
I was glad because he remembers.
I don't want him to be sad anymore, but I don't want to forget.
He and James long for our new baby. They were discussing names today. And how old the new baby had to be before he or she could watch Star Wars.
It is very sweet and it gives me hope.
But I still don't want to forget the one we lost.

So when people ask me, "how are you doing?" I never know what to say.
"They don't want to hear a whole saga," I think to myself. And so I say, "fine."
And then I feel like I'm being cold. Only 2 months and she's fine.

It's complicated. There isn't a tidy little answer for me to give you. Because most days, most times I am fine. I am smiling, laughing and I love life.
But there is an ache. Sometimes it is intense. Sometimes it just washes over me.

Only 2 months. It seems like so much longer.

I wish it never happened. I wish I was 5 months pregnant right now. I wish we were getting ready for our baby. So many women have told me they have gone through this multiple times and my heart aches for them. I can not imagine.

How am I doing?
This is how I am doing:

Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord,
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your holy name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your holy name

This is one of my favorite songs. To hear it, go here.

Thank you to all of you who keep asking and really do want to know. It's still here, this grief. But that's OK. I'm not ready to forget yet.
Love Greta


Betsi said...

I truly get it. After a while you just don't want to discuss it with everyone over and over again. But you still want to remember and honor the little life that was growing inside you.
And other times you just have to cry and grab onto your husband or best friend because they get it.
I'm glad that you are still reaching out, still allowing yourself to grieve. As Jenny said it: This baby was worth our grief.
So, don't worry about what others may be thinking. Your baby is worth the grief and grief comes in many different stages and forms. You don't have to be shrouded in darkness or "moving on" yet. Let the Father of Lights shower you with His good and perfect things. Sometimes, the good and perfect things are the moments we find grace in our tears.
Love to you, Betsi*

Tammy Callis said...

Oh,Greta. Beautiful post. It is all so complicated. I wish it wasn't but that's part of the beauty of this oh so fragile life. And William he's oh so sweet.

Anonymous said...

I know that there really no words to say to fix the grief you are experiencing. Just know you have the support of many of those around you.

And that is a great song by Tree63. We saw them live and they were great. Very friendly afterward, We got to chat with them. Have you heard their live version of Amazing Grace? It's good. OTher goodies I really like. Almost anything by Jeremy Camp, esp "One Day at a Time", "Walk by Faith", and "There will be a Day" I could go on, my music library is quite extensive, so if you ever want some, just let me know.

Take care,
Love Desirae

Christina said...

What a sweet boy. I came from Rachel's. I lost two pregnancies several years ago now...I was so sorry to read what you wrote, but the song you ended with is also one of my favorites. It is wonderful. There is so much hope for us. I just wanted to say something, not really much to say. I'm sorry for your loss.
I happened to see the picture of your daughter standing on the stool in the previous post. She is very cute! My grandma's name was Lillie.

Erin McDonald said...

right there with ya! Praying for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

Hi Greta, I'm a friend of Heather McAdow's. That is how I found your blog and I wrote to you on facebook one time. I've been praying for you and I'm so glad you have shared your story.

We lost our first baby the summer of 2004. It was 3 months or so after my Dad died unexpectedly. My Dad and I were very close and I had a difficult time losing him. A few months after he died I still was devastated and felt I would betray him if I didn't continue to mourn for him. After confessing this with someone, they told me it was ok to be happy. For me, it was almost like a release from that mourning period.

Soon afterward we were pregnant and I told everyone and was so excited. But we lost that baby and it was so surreal. I have since had 3 more children. But after your blog and reading about another mother that lost her baby I decided to name our baby. I had felt like he/she was forgotten and not as important. So my husband and I talked about it and I gave him (I don't know if the baby was a boy) a name...Samuel. I am planning on making a cross-stitch of his name with a Bible verse and frame it. My aunt made one for each of our children.

I just wanted to share this with you. Not that I think this is what you should do or how you should feel. But, I thought I would just share a bit of my journey through it with you and how you help to direct my healing.
Sherry (justgreen@bellsouth.net)